Best Self Help

• Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world. ...
  Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.<br><br>Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
• Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in ...
  Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.
• What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your mother- ...
  What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your mother-in-law?<br><br>Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and your mother-in-law doesn't know the difference.
• Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general ...
  Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.<br><br>The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.<br><br>A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
• Golf rules for beginners: ...
  Golf rules for beginners:<br><br>1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.<br>2) Form a loose grip.<br>3) Keep your head down.<br>4) Avoid a quick back swing.<br>5) Stay out of the water.<br>6) Try not to hit anyone.<br>7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.<br>8) Don't stand directly in front of others.<br>9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.<br>10) Don't take extra strokes.<br><br>Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
• Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her ...
  Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."<br><br>Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."<br><br>He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
• Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. ...
  Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.<br><br>"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."<br><br>With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. <br><br>The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" <br><br>"It's swollen" said Bob.

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